I sort of try to write everything for me. I'm a huge sports fan but have no interest in minutiae. I don't remember who won Super Bowls five years ago or listen to sports talk radio. I'm trying to make sure the jokes are self-contained so they're accessible to everyone.

A few years ago, the city council of Monza, Italy, barred pet owners from keeping goldfish in curved bowls... saying that it is cruel to keep a fish in a bowl with curved sides because, gazing out, the fish would have a distorted view of reality. But how do we know we have the true, undistorted picture of reality?

My earliest memories of my mom were of her multi-tasking - preparing dinner while checking on homework and housework; clearing the dinner plates while setting out bowls for breakfast; making sure we ate our breakfast while lining up bread, lunch meats, apples, and snacks assembly-line style so we could make our lunches.

A food processor, or even one of those small bowls that fit on a stick blender, is a real treasure. No, that's not an overstatement.

When I'm able to eat cheap and delicious food, like ramen and beef bowls, I can't stop but to think, 'Ah, what a great era I was born in.'

I've interviewed presidents and royalty, rock stars and movie stars, famous generals and captains of industry; I've had front row seats at Super Bowls, World Series, and Olympic Games; my books have been on best-seller lists, and my marriage is a long-running success.

Though all soft drinks are acidic, dark ones like Coke and Pepsi are the most acidic and it has been found that it takes 32 glasses of high PH alkaline water to neutralize a glass of cola. So acidic are some of these drinks that they can be and are often used to clean corrosion of car battery terminals, and can even be used to clean toilet bowls.

Woe unto all who have walked by the water but not gotten wet, for the sea of tears is now dry, and all who try to fill their bowls will know thirst.

I sort of try to write everything for me. I'm a huge sports fan but have no interest in minutiae. I don't remember who won Super Bowls five years ago or listen to sports talk radio. I'm trying to make sure the jokes are self-contained so they're accessible to everyone.

I was so lucky to walk away with two Super Bowls and know that the last year was positive.

There have been nine Super Bowls in New Orleans and not all of them have brought the best of luck to NFL Films. We got robbed twice there got food poisoning and my hotel room was broken into on the day the Bears played the Patriots in January 1986.