Steven Wright's Quotes

Steven Wright's Quotes 132

My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him,...

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I've...

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered...

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call...

In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I...

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you...

When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were...

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they...

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged...

Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to...

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?'...

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can...

I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for...

People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're...

I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out?...

I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I...

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

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Frank Sinatra Family

I would like to be remembered as a man who had a wonderful time living life a man who had good friends fine family - and I don't think I could ask for anything more than that actually.

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