Steven Wright's Quotes

Steven Wright's Quotes 132

My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him,...

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I've...

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered...

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call...

In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I...

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you...

When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were...

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they...

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged...

Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to...

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?'...

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can...

I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for...

People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're...

I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out?...

I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I...

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

1
2
3
4
5

Random Quote

Henry Fielding Wedding

When widows exclaim loudly against second marriages I would always lay a wager than the man If not the wedding day is absolutely fixed on.

Top Topicsall topics

By subscribing to Daily Mail Quotes you are agreeing to our Privacy Policy and Terms of Use.

Top Authorsall authors