Steven Wright's Quotes

Steven Wright's Quotes 132

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck but my lawyer thinks he can...

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me 'Did you sleep good?' I...

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

If God dropped acid would he see people?

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future but only way off to the...

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I bought some batteries but they weren't included.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I intend to live forever. So far so good.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me I'm afraid of widths.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really...

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died all his friends went to the...

I have an answering machine in my car. It says I'm home now. But leave a...

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights so it looks like I'm...

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas...

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the...

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing...

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